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Keywords:

• She was humming during sex

Comment: After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music

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• Future-me showed up mid trip and

Comment: gave us a thumbs up.

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• The paramedics asked what clubs I'd

Comment: be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.

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• So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk

Comment: off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?

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• I am way too attached to fictional

Comment: lesbians.

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• It feels like I'm breathing out my heart

Comment: and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.

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• While I do love virgins I'm a little too

Comment: lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.

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• The guy you hooked up with is asleep

Comment: in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.

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• Did you guys seriously let me trade

Comment: my ID for a kebab last night??

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• Every concussion has its silver lining

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• That's what sorority sisters do

Comment: They cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar

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• It's like you're a magic genie of bad

Comment: timing

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• The money is just too good to quit

Comment: doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.

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• She kept telling me to calm down

Comment: I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient.

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• I am the worst sexter. I actually told

Comment: him if I had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.